Just as we walked through Genesis 2 and God's creation last week, today we’re observing Ephesians 5:22-33 and see God's pattern for marriage. In this passage, as well as its cross reference in Colossians 3:18-19, Paul instructs how husbands and wives are to relate to each other. Throughout the passage, Paul uses imagery that gives great value to both the husband and the wife, and because of this, neither person in a relationship should feel relegated to the role they have. The commands given to both the husband and the wife are honorable to obey. Therefore, when both the husband and wife live in text-driven obedience, their marriage becomes a beautiful picture of Christ and His church.
Wives Submit to Your Husbands
Paul transitions from speaking of the relationships in the local church to speaking specifically of the marriage relationship. He begins by commanding wives to submit to their “own husbands” (v.22). As a precursor, notice that Paul does not command women to submit to men generally, but rather specifically to their own husbands. Paul is very precise in his language by including the word “own.” The relationship of submission is not a woman to a man but a wife to her husband. Paul commands wives to submit to their own husbands. What Paul commands is that the wife recognizes the ordered structure that God has created, where her husband is leading her. The Greek word ὑποτάσσω primarily has a military concept. It refers to the way soldiers follow their commanding officer. The commanding officer has the responsibility to lead his troops, and the only way for him to fulfill his responsibility is if the troops voluntarily submit to him. In the same way, a wife must submit to her husband so he can fulfill the responsibility God has given him.
Now, I know what you are thinking. The next question that probably comes to mind is, "How?" Men are fallible beings. Is there a time when a wife doesn't have to submit to her husband? What if a wife's husband isn't as smart as her or have strong leadership skills? Thankfully, Paul doesn’t leave us there. To answer these questions and more, Paul continues by telling the wives how they are to submit to their husbands. The submission should be “as to the Lord” (v.22). That may be a jarring command, but Paul is saying that in the same way a wife is to submit to Christ, she is to submit to her husband. The reason for this is that the husband is the head of his wife in the same way Christ is the head of the church. So, the way a woman submits to Christ as a church member is the way she is to submit to her husband as a wife. Paul then goes even further by saying that as much as a church submits to Christ, that's the extent a wife must submit to her husband. Is there a time when a church can choose not to submit to Christ? No! In everything, a church submits to Christ, and in everything, a wife is to submit to her husband.
This command is solely the responsibility of the wife. The imperative is in the passive voice, meaning that she is to submit herself. A husband should never have a conversation about “making his wife submit to him.” That is not his duty. It is the wife's duty to submit in everything. True, godly submission cannot be forced.
How do women truly submit to their own husband? Wives worship God.
Husbands Love Your Wives
Paul's next command is toward husbands, and this command takes up almost twice the number of words. Paul commands husbands to “love their wives” (v.25). The modern mind might think these are unequal commands. The wife has to submit to her husband, but the only thing a husband has to do is love his wife. Modern thinking would assume that's just unfair. Yet, the command to the husband is actually just as strict. Paul describes the kind of love the husband is to have toward his wife as being the same love Jesus has for the church. Paul then gives a list of all the ways Christ loves the church, and with each comes a command to the husband about how he must love his wife.
The first way Paul says Christ loves the church is by laying His life down for her (v.25). Every member of a church has been washed in the blood of Jesus, which He gave to them willingly. That's how much Jesus loves the church. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives so much that they will sacrifice their lives for them. Whether that be from intruders, persecutors, or the elements, a husband is to sacrifice his life so his wife can live.
The second way Paul says Christ loves the church is by his sanctifying work in her (v.26). Christ loves a church so much that He washes her with the water of the word so that a church would be spotless and blameless when presented to Him in the age to come. Christ works in the church to make sure she is holy and blameless and does not have a single blemish. The husband is to love his wife in the same way. The husband is to love his wife by teaching her Scripture, exhorting her, and guiding her to live a holy and pleasing life to the Lord. A husband is to love his wife so much that he desires for her to stand before Christ one day holy and blameless, and Christ will see her as sanctified. A husband is to see his wife's sanctification as the top priority.
The third way Paul says Christ loves the church is that Christ makes each member of a church a member of His own body (v.30). A believer, and therefore a group of believers that make up a church, is one with Christ. There is incredible care in that imagery. Paul says a wife has also become the same body as the husband. The husband is to care for her just as he cares for his own body. He is to ensure that he is her provider, protector, and leader. Whatever a man would do to care for his own body, he is to do for his wife.
In all three of these examples of love, a man may ask, “What if my wife becomes unlovable?” “What if she does me wrong?” or “What if she fails to submit to me? Do I still have to love her then?” The answer to the question is found in how Christ loves the church. Is there ever a time when Christ stops loving the church? How often do churches fail to submit to Christ, but does He stop loving her? Absolutely not! Likewise, a husband must always love his wife.
Similar to the command for the wife, this command is the sole responsibility of the husband. The wife cannot make her husband love her. A wife should not have a conversation about “how to make her husband love her” or use manipulation to force it. It is not her duty to make her husband love her. It is the duty of the husband to love her. True, godly love cannot be forced.
How does a husband truly love his wife? Husbands worship God.
The Responsibility of Marriage
Paul finishes this section on marriage by highlighting the responsibility of marriage. Marriage symbolizes the great, mysterious relationship that Christ has with the church. In the same way, it is mysterious that the two became one flesh; it is mysterious how the church becomes one with Christ. Since marriage symbolizes this, the wife must respect her husband, and the husband must love his wife. When wives fail to submit to their husbands, they exemplify a rebellious church that does not submit to Christ. When husbands fail to love their wives, they exemplify a Christ that does not love the church. Both of these are gross errors that must never be. The church will and must always submit to Christ, and Christ will always love the church. To fail to represent this relationship properly is blasphemous. Marriage is the purest picture of Christ and the church. Every married couple must seek to make sure their marriage achieves the level of clarity this beautiful picture commands.
Written by Klayton Carson
The "Text-Driven Family" series is also on the Text-Driven Podcast. You can listen to the Text-Driven Podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or at www.textdriven.org/podcasts. New episodes are released every Monday, just in time for your morning commute.
